WANTED: Baby Goat Fridge Bandits

Greetings and AHOY, Wagglers! Buffalo Springfield at your service to report some truly devastating news: BABY GOAT FRIDGE BANDITS are on the loose! These villainous thieves will stop at nothing to rob you of every fruit, vegetable, and tin can lurking within any kitchen they come across.

Now many of our readers (I’m looking at you, human beans) may be thinking ‘at any moment adorable cuddly baby goats might come waltzing into my home unannounced? Yay!’ But I assure you this situation is nothing to cheer about. As a former world-class pirate thief myself I know firsthand how dastardly the bandit class can be – and baby goats are the worst sort. They start off by distracting you with their cuteness and funny little hops but by the time they’re finished everything you’ve ever loved will have been stolen!

Furbaby authorities have expanded their goathunt to three counties, but in the meantime I beg you, from the bottom of my hooves: please secure your refrigerators and all of their yummy contents so you aren’t these dastardly goats’ next victim. Shiver me timbers and be safe, friends!